Post by AdminAnnie on Aug 6, 2016 6:20:20 GMT
I wanted to write a post about myself, not due to ego, but instead so that members, guests, wanderers and skeptics would know more about this space, its intentions, goals and creator.
PMDD is a funny thing (in the saddest sort of way). You kind of always have it, and you also don't. It comes and goes, sometimes on a clockwork monthly cycle and sometimes as a randomly visiting gremlin waiting for blood, who you naively assume gone for good after a few months of "real brain" time. What I'm saying is, I can't pinpoint when my hormonal troubles began, because they were always there. Starting at 16, everything from Vitamin B complex and over-the-counter supplements, St Johns Wort, nearly every oral birth control, antidepressant, diet and exercise, everything. It just kept knocking me down. I've dropped out of school twice. I'm currently jobless and single. And oh yeah, I used to write and tell jokes. There's irony in my blood.
I still haven't gotten back up, and I guess that's why I'm here.
This year, the facade of keeping it together, the illusion I had mastered my illness through willpower and responsibility, the performance of doing all the "right" things, it all came tumbling down. This led to psych ward stays, psychiatrists, endocrinologists, self harming, anti-psychotics, cops, sedatives, being declared a Missing Person and losing my job, home, and basically every human relationship.
I won't go into my issues with doctors and the healthcare system, just that I fell through every crack there was and it took an ER visit in a small town hospital to finally get heard that my PMDD was more severe than Yaz and Prozac, and that I was falling off the brink. It wasn't just feeling bad, it was life or death. Finally seen by a gynaecologist with PMDD experience, we decided to just shut the whole system down.
Currently, I am undergoing Lupron injections with add-back estrogen therapy. Lupron is a monthly injection that essentially stops your body from producing sex hormones, namely estrogen. It's a pharmaceutically induced menopause, with all the side effects of menopause at the extreme PMDD level. Ovaries are some strong bitches. They do not want to be shut down. The initial injection of Lupron also causes a spike in estrogen production at first, meaning for the first who-knows-how-many weeks, you'll have the gremlin on your back. The full moon stays out, fellow werewolves.
It's a hard drug. I've been back to the ER 3 times since starting Lupron for breakdowns due to the intense and very frequent hot flashes that prevent me from sleeping and bringing out my PMDD level moods, and right now I'm focusing on managing the side effects in order to give the Lupron the time it needs to work, and for my body to accept the ovarian shutdown. If the Lupron works, I can stay on it indefinitely (with the small amount of estrogen add-back required for long term HRT), or I can consider the oopherectomy. (You can read more in Ladies on Lupron)
A lot of my story is missing, and yet it still feels long-winded, so I'll get to my point: I'm a girl who has tried almost everything, been down to rock bottom more than a few times and is still working my way back up. I'm just a person, I have no snake oil or pink ribbons to sell. I'm not going to tell you to cut out gluten or coffee, I know there's no quick fix to this. I need a space to vent, to be absolutely pissed off that this is my life and my burden, but also to find the joy that still exists and even just one other person who really, really GETS IT. I have yet to meet a single person who also has PMDD (that I'm aware of). I've been doing this on my own for far too long.
Lastly, I know there are people like me out there. People who feel they have no control, no answers and sometimes no future. I want to find you, to join us all together, a united front. Please help, join, share. This is your home too.
15% of those suffering from PMDD will attempt suicide.
PMDD is a funny thing (in the saddest sort of way). You kind of always have it, and you also don't. It comes and goes, sometimes on a clockwork monthly cycle and sometimes as a randomly visiting gremlin waiting for blood, who you naively assume gone for good after a few months of "real brain" time. What I'm saying is, I can't pinpoint when my hormonal troubles began, because they were always there. Starting at 16, everything from Vitamin B complex and over-the-counter supplements, St Johns Wort, nearly every oral birth control, antidepressant, diet and exercise, everything. It just kept knocking me down. I've dropped out of school twice. I'm currently jobless and single. And oh yeah, I used to write and tell jokes. There's irony in my blood.
I still haven't gotten back up, and I guess that's why I'm here.
This year, the facade of keeping it together, the illusion I had mastered my illness through willpower and responsibility, the performance of doing all the "right" things, it all came tumbling down. This led to psych ward stays, psychiatrists, endocrinologists, self harming, anti-psychotics, cops, sedatives, being declared a Missing Person and losing my job, home, and basically every human relationship.
I won't go into my issues with doctors and the healthcare system, just that I fell through every crack there was and it took an ER visit in a small town hospital to finally get heard that my PMDD was more severe than Yaz and Prozac, and that I was falling off the brink. It wasn't just feeling bad, it was life or death. Finally seen by a gynaecologist with PMDD experience, we decided to just shut the whole system down.
Currently, I am undergoing Lupron injections with add-back estrogen therapy. Lupron is a monthly injection that essentially stops your body from producing sex hormones, namely estrogen. It's a pharmaceutically induced menopause, with all the side effects of menopause at the extreme PMDD level. Ovaries are some strong bitches. They do not want to be shut down. The initial injection of Lupron also causes a spike in estrogen production at first, meaning for the first who-knows-how-many weeks, you'll have the gremlin on your back. The full moon stays out, fellow werewolves.
It's a hard drug. I've been back to the ER 3 times since starting Lupron for breakdowns due to the intense and very frequent hot flashes that prevent me from sleeping and bringing out my PMDD level moods, and right now I'm focusing on managing the side effects in order to give the Lupron the time it needs to work, and for my body to accept the ovarian shutdown. If the Lupron works, I can stay on it indefinitely (with the small amount of estrogen add-back required for long term HRT), or I can consider the oopherectomy. (You can read more in Ladies on Lupron)
A lot of my story is missing, and yet it still feels long-winded, so I'll get to my point: I'm a girl who has tried almost everything, been down to rock bottom more than a few times and is still working my way back up. I'm just a person, I have no snake oil or pink ribbons to sell. I'm not going to tell you to cut out gluten or coffee, I know there's no quick fix to this. I need a space to vent, to be absolutely pissed off that this is my life and my burden, but also to find the joy that still exists and even just one other person who really, really GETS IT. I have yet to meet a single person who also has PMDD (that I'm aware of). I've been doing this on my own for far too long.
Lastly, I know there are people like me out there. People who feel they have no control, no answers and sometimes no future. I want to find you, to join us all together, a united front. Please help, join, share. This is your home too.
15% of those suffering from PMDD will attempt suicide.